I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
