Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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