I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
