Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
