our cab driver is having phone sex.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
