Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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