my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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