I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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