Having a random hookup so left but love u
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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