how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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