I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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