Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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