toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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