At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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