I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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