just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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