I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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