chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
and she was petting her beer can
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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