he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
