Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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