Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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