Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
