I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
