____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
