Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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