I heard we made out
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
