Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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