i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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