Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
