I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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