Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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