someone owes me an orgasm
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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