ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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