just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
