Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
