So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
