you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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