no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
