Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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