I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
