he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
