this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
