Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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