In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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