I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
