You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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