So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
