Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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