I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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