When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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