I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
