We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
