Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
