david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
