So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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