why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
